I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. Thinking and not doing.
Thinking about writing, inspired with ideas for jewelry, considering thoughts about rebuilding our business website and getting back into designing websites. But, it’s all been Thinking and not Doing.
Sure, I have plenty of excuses: honeymoon, family trip to the zoo, Anime Iowa weekend (all within the past month!), sun blinding me in my office in the evening, Skyrim, and so on ad nauseum.
But what it boils down to is lack of motivation. For some reason, I have all of these great ideas and absolutely NO motivation to do them. Exercise and dieting loudly falls into this category too. *KERPLUNK* As does interacting with friends on various forums, RPing, even writing blog posts.
I tell myself that it’s because it’s so uncomfortable in my office in the evening with the air conditioner blowing directly on me and the sun blinding me or reflecting off of my monitors, or that I can’t close my door because the air conditioner cools the living room as well, but I have a tablet with a keyboard, so these are really excuses. And I know this. I know that it’s a lack of motivation, but I can’t figure out where that motivation went! Is it simply because it’s summer time and my brain remembers how much fun summer break was from school? Or is it deeper.
I read Chuck Wendig’s post today about how to care less about your writing. And it made me question. Is this some mental block I’ve given myself – “What if people don’t like my story/jewelry/websites/body (which the last one is pretty backwards)?” His post lead me to another blog post (I should be writing) about how depression can niggle its way in without you even realizing it and suddenly you have this little voice you didn’t know you were listening to telling you “Why bother? What’s the point?” I’ve suffered from depression for years, though it’s usually mild enough I can push past it. But if this complete lack of motivation is depression related, it’s come on much more unnoticed (at least by me) than in the past. I’ve gone through periods of time where I want to do things, but end up just wandering the house in a weird antsy manner because I can’t figure out what exactly I want to do, and this is kind of like this, but without the wandering part. I want to do all of these things, but when I go to do them, I’m hit with a sudden wash of “eh” and I just kind of sit back and zone out, completely exhausted – without having done anything to warrant the exhaustion!
I told myself this year that *I am creative* and that it didn’t matter what manner of creativity I expressed myself in, just that I needed to express it. I haven’t been doing that and I can feel its effects. This post is me Doing something and I’m going to press for this to be the (re-)start of me Doing more things.